"The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered at All" (v3.0) 

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Copyright (c) 1994-1995 Mark A. Mandel, 
except portions in braces "{...}", 
which are (c) 1988 by Terry and Lynn Pratchett 
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<<
Old Noah was mucking the Ark out one day 
when he heard a great shriek from the neighboring stall.
Said he to poor Ham, who was hugging his loins,
"Ah, the hedgehog, my boy, can't be buggered at all." 

Chorus (repeat after each verse):
Roll them all over and turn them around,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

<<
The sheep is a classic, as well you may find, 
the llama's all right if he isn't too tall,
the donkey's a danger for standing behind,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. 
You may pounce on the cat as he walks on his lone,
the mole has a hole into which you can crawl,
you must blindfold the basilisk or turn into stone,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The sow is a darling, so slick and so tight,
to cuddle and kiss as you lie next the wall,
but she don't chew the cud, so you'd better not bite,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

<<
The squirrel requires the climbing of trees, 
which puts you at risk of a slip and a fall.
The dog's man's best friend if you don't mind the fleas,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

<<
You can do it with a frog in a puddle or pool, 
though you might catch a cold in your whatchamacall-
it, or {with a giraffe if you stand on a stool, p.48
but the hedgehog} can never be buggered at all.

The rhino is often -- reluctant -- to flirt;
the termite's a challenge because he's so small
you might wash him away with your very first squirt;
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

<<
The bonobo monkey -- 
[spoken:] Will someone please tell the Librarian 
I'm not talking about him? HE'S in the last verse. 
The bonobo monkey is willing to hump:
he'll do all his friends, both the big and the small.
He'll do it to you if you show him your rump,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

<<
The humans are OUT, if you value your life: 
it's incest, my son, since we're relatives all...
unless you'd make love to your very own wife!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

<<
I don't recommend that you tackle the skunk. 
I did once myself, I'm ashamed to recall;
I must have been EXtr'ordinARily drunk!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The kangaroo's pocket can carry your tool
though her kick may propel you clean over the wall.
The platypus lurks in the muck of his pool
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The camel is likely to spit in your face,
but don't take it bad, for it ain't personAL:
he simply detests the entire human race,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

As a friend to the children, commend me the Yak; H. Belloc
he's perfect to start them on when they are small,
for they cannot slip off of his very broad back, 
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

You can take a wild ride on a wild catamount
if your ears can stand up to his wild caterwaul.
You can poke your own fist, but that really don't count,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Take care when you lift up the elephant's tail
or beware of the fate that else may befall:
if you pick the wrong end you could wind up impaled!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

To futter the bat you must take to the air.
She'll flutter her wings and go into a stall
and pitch you off into God-only-knows-where,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

(Verse 17) p.51
<<
The billygoat's habits, though pungent and weird, 
you've got to accept if it's him that you'd ball:
he don't use cologne, he just cums in his beard,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The guinea pig's timid, and brainless to boot,
he's worse than no use in a ruckus or brawl,
but you can't pass him up 'cause he's so bloody cute!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

(Last verse) [slowly and deliberately] 
<<
You can bugger a whale if you're willing to swim 
or an ORanguTANG if you hang from a limb;
or make time {with a snail if you slow... to... a... crawl..., p.315
... but the hedgehog} can never be buggered at all!

Final Chorus