"The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All" 
                      (v1.5) 

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Reconstructed 
by Matthew Crosby 
and alt.fan.pratchett from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett. 

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Verse 1. 
Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do 
But I have to say this as a warning to you: 
With almost all animals, you can have ball 
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. 

Chorus 1: 
The spines on his back are too sharp for a man 
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can 
The result I think you'll find will appall: 
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all! 

Verse 2. 
Mounting a horse can often be fun 
An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton 
Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small) 
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. 

Chorus2: 
The spines on his back are so awful thick 
you'll end up with naught but a painful prick. 
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball, 
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all! 

Verse 3. 
Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo 
Will be entertaining to both her and you 
Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall 
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. 

Chorus 1. 

Verse 4. 
A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet 
And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet 
Even a giraffe (despite being so tall) 
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. 

Chorus 2. 

Verse 5. 
You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill 
It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill 
You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl 
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. 

Chorus 1. 

Verse 6. 
You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night 
With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite 
We already mentioned the horse, you may recall 
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. 

Chorus 2. 

Verse 7. 
You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell 
Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell 
A troll can be rocky if down you should fall 
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. 

Chorus 1. 

Verse 8. 
For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter 
Or pego a pig after parting his trotters 
Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall 
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. 

Chorus 2. 

Verse 9. 
For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur 
To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer 
The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call 
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. 

Chorus 1. 

Verse 10. 
Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat 
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat 
Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all 
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. 

Chorus 2. 

Verse 11. 
A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing 
Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising, 
Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!) 
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. 

Chorus 1. 

Verse 12. 
You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb, 
Or pork a few piglets if you have the time, 
A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl, 
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all